Dear Mister ---,
I am going to marry you someday. Just thought you should know. I also thought you should know that in preparation for that moment, I'm waiting. I'm not gonna rush off with every cute guy I take a fancy to and make huge mistakes. I not going to train myself to always look for the better, cuter, funnier, more successful guy. I'm not going to expect everyone else to be perfect and pull all the weight of the relationship by themselves. I'm going to train myself to be humble and caring and kind and serving and hard to offend and eloquent and understanding and strong and flexible and honorable. That is not to say, however, that I don't expect something from you. No, I'm raising my standards too high, and holding myself up to them. Here's a few examples.
First of all, you love me right? Okay, cool. Tell me that sometimes. The most important thing about they way I act in relation to other people is how I feel about myself. And I'll tell you now, I have a hard time with confidence. I get jealous, and then I blame myself for everything someone else does wrong. So you know what? You've got to take some time out of your hectic life and tell me you love me every once in awhile. And you have to mean it--I'll know it you don't mean it. I'll know it you're just saying it to fill the air, or to get something from me. Trust me, it doesn't matter how much it'll hurt me; I'll up and leave if you become disloyal or disrespectful.
That's not to say that the first time you disagree with me I'll blow off the handle. I like to think I'm fairly patient. Trust me, I'm working very hard to cultivate a loyal and forgiving personality for you. I also know that everyone makes mistakes--big mistakes--and everyone needs chances for forgiveness. I'm not going to be one of those people that will hold a lustful thought over you until you've worked yourself raw and blistering. At the same time, it's hard to earn my trust. It may take you a few years just to get me to call you my boyfriend. That's ok. I like to think I'm worth it. The point is, there's a difference between an accident and a habitually wrong mindset. You have to try, very, very hard, to love me and only me and be happy about it. This sort of thing doesn't just happen. You have to be smart. You have to put the other person first.
When it comes to respect, sometimes it's even harder. What if you know in your heart that I'm the one for you, but it's just not the right time yet? If you make the argument that true love with prevail and me can make it through the bumpy times to a brighter tomorrow so long as we hold onto each other and shun everything else, I will hit you. I know how difficult it is! Don't you think I know? Don't you think I wish everyday for that right person to come and for me to be happy? But the fact is that you have to keep your eyes on God. And you have to wait for me. If I say I'm not ready for a relationship, I'm not completely turning you down. I'm following God. And it's hard for me, too. Wait for me.
Oh. Right. You know what? You can't just talk to me and tell me and trust me with everything. You. Must. Listen. If I disagree with you, it doesn't make me stupid. It makes me different. Who knows? I might be right. Who knows? It might not even be important enough for us to decided someone's right and someone's wrong. It may be that I just want you to respect me enough to let me say what I think. Consider it. Openly. I'm not going to bite if you say no, so long as you say no kindly. You owe it to me to be completely understanding and completely honest. I can't stand people who won't allow others to debate their answers. I know for a fact that when I find you, I'll adore listening to everything you have to say. About anything. There's so much that I haven't even considered, and that's saying something.
And even if you love me for the way I don't mind bugs and mud, even if you love me for belching in public, for not being afraid of a fight, for playing video games and kicking your tail into next month, you have to remember a very important fact. It's very sad, and very humiliating, but it's something I cannot and will not change for anyone, so you'd better not even go there. I am, very deep down inside, a girl.
Yup. Scary.
I like romantic comedies, and I like the color pink, and I can't help, in a weak moment, enjoying the song Girlfriend by Avril Lavrigne. No, I'll never make you listen to it. I promise. But here's the thing that I really want you understand: I cry sometimes. I mean I sometimes break down bawling. You don't have to fix it, and you don't have to understand it, but you do have to be sympathetic. If you start saying 'whatever' and disdainfully watch me as I cry about something you did of something that's bothering me, this isn't gonna work. Mind you, there are many times when I'm going to be over-emotional and crying for a stupid reason. But making me feel like an imbecile isn't going to make anything better. All you need to do is hug me (if I let you) and tell me everything's going to be okay. We'll figure everything out, you'll stand by me through anything, and we'll pray like crazy. But don't try to get me to stop crying. Crying isn't a bad thing.
Lastly (I think), I don't want you nit-picking my looks. I do enough of that myself. My legs are pale? Well that's odd. It's not like the rest of me isn't a glorious bronze hue. Oh no wait, it isn't. I'm a fair person, one of the fairest of the lot, and you've just got to deal with it. Think of it this way: any fair person can go out and tan and get all pretty and brown and cancerful, but good luck to African who wants to get white. I mean...well, Michael Jackson doesn't count. I'm unique. I want you to love my personality first, yes, but woe to you if you don't love the rest of me as well.
By all means, you may push me toward more healthy habits. I want you to want me to be healthy, so telling me (nicely) that I should probably exercise more or stop eating so many donuts or the like will be fine. Accountability is key to any endeavor.
The Blessing
As I said, I hold myself to every standard I've outlined here. I want to become the best and wisest and prettiest and kindest and most loving wife you can imagine or ever want. I want to be perfect for you. I'm trying so, so very hard. Please, please try for me, wherever you are. I love you already.
Bless You,
Rebekah
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