Fall Down

'Break me out of my complacency, breathe your breath of life into my soul.'

I'm broken with No Regrets

Everyone, just raise your hands. Both of them, because I know you've done this more times than you can count. Y'know what? Your feet too. If you can, wiggle your ears. 'Cause I have a question for you. How many of you have knowingly done something very wrong and stupid? Raise your hands if you have. All of you? Oh.

Hello.

You can put your hands down, now. I forgive you for everything you've done. You may glare at me and say I don't have the right to claim that you need to be forgiven by me, but that's just a cover. People, in their insecurity, are desperate for someone to tell them that it doesn't matter. That there's nothing they can do to make you love them less. They want that assurance, and they want it to be real. Only then can it assuage any pain, or self-destructive hate. It really doesn't matter what you did, even if you did it to another person.

I swear, the person you are hurting the most is yourself. Because half the people out there have thick enough skins to be able to brush stuff off. The other half learn soon to surround themselves with tons of people who will help them heal. When it comes to deeper things--things that touch the soul--everyone may fall to it. But still. You do that to them, and no matter how it destroys them, they are the victim and they are going to have a plethora of helping hands to fix them. Who's gonna fix you? Who's gonna look and see the pained, dilapidated soul that would allow itself to do such a thing, and say that they feel sorry for it?

See, the thing about this is that in order to get better you have to pluck up the courage to surrender and let yourself be weak. People who have been hurt already know weakness. The first barrier was already broken down for them--by you.

You know, sometimes I want to just walk up and kiss the people who've hurt me on the cheek. I want to thank them for the many many lessons I have learned and the friends I have gained because of them. But when I do something wrong, all I want to do is kick myself or throw myself out the window. What right do I have to forgive myself, I say, Why, if I know now that it was wrong, didn't I know it then? I have no answer. Except that I am human. I am inherently evil, and I am in no way powerful enough to be good on my own.

Praise God for God. If it weren't for Him, I'd be completely and utterly in deep yogurt right now and forever, and life would be meaningless. Oh, I thank Him all the days of my life for what He's given me! I thank Him for the wonderful friends that always listen and always forgive what I've done to myself. I thank Him for one more day where I've eaten, smiled and laughed, exercised and cried. I thank Him when I'm dumb enough to eat cheese or drink milk and I don't feel any pain afterward. I thank Him when I make a fool of myself, if only because it helped make my friends laugh a little more than they would have without my company.

I thank Him when I write in my journal for giving me a gift in writing. I thank Him for my horrible memory which has driven me to use the gift of writing. I thank Him that I feel every desperate, agonizing emotion of everyone around me, and that I have a chance to understand enough to help.

So why? Why did I do what I did? Why did I look away? Why did I wander off? Why did I give Jesus reason to cry for me?

I am human, inherently evil, and in no way powerful enough to be good on my own.

Humbling, isn't it?

Liberating. I no longer have to worry, because I no longer have to try on my own. God does everything. I just have to let Him and follow. And when I choose not to, He doesn't even give me a slap on the wrist. He doesn't even look at me angrily. He cries when I cry. It's terrible, seeing Papa cry. But all I have to do to stop it is approach Him with a contrite heart and willingness to change, and He'll do the rest. He'll smile and pull me close and let me feel like the smallest, weakest, most vulnerable thing in the world, and yet completely safe.

So now you know why I don't worry. Going out in the sun without sunscreen increases my risk of cancer? Not true. If God wants me to get skin cancer, I'm gonna get it no matter how careful I am. And if He doesn't, I really don't have to worry too much about it. No, I'm not going to jump in front of a car and tell Him to save me if he wants me to fulfill his plan, but c'mon. I'm not going to let fear cripple my life. Beauty is fleeting at best and in no way key to doing what God wants. Health's much more important, but you still don't need to be in peak physical condition to be God's super-soldier.

Just don't worry. Do your best and give yourself breaks and don't worry. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' Declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 What God wants will fill you with His joy and His love. Straying from Him will only hurt you more.

God forgives you for everything you've done. Every step you've taken outside His path. And you know what? He's forgotten about it. You should, too.

Go and Sin No More