Connections

Listening to: Owl City

It's very odd, the times you realize things. I've heard it said (and said it myself) that it's a writer's job to observe, but sometimes we are so insistent on watching everything unfold that we forget to experience it. You need to understand body language, yes, notice details and understand thought process'. But you also need to understand the in the moment. You need to be emotionally invested in...something. Otherwise your writing will not engage, no matter how technically skilled you are.

I had a panic attack today.

Yes, this had a point. And no, I'm not delving for sympathy.

That is, I was the receiver of so much love and little kinds acts that most people didn't even realize they were doing all this evening as I recovered (I get bad panic attacks). It opened my eyes to how amazingly caring most everyone I know is, and how each one will comfort a person in their own way. Truth be told, some of the ways attempted just don't work well on me. But they tried, and that in itself helped.

Moreover, I saw how much I lean on everyone else. I recognized how I could go up to some I know only passably well and be the only one to realize he was bothered by something. I noticed that he trusted me with what it was, even though the level of personal recognition was mutual. Mostly, I felt keenly how much his hurt affected me and how much I needed to help him. Not wanted. Needed.

I said something. I'm not sure if it helped or not, but I hope it did.

The thing is, even with all that going on, I noticed so many other things that people were doing: How excited my wonderful friend was that my brother came back to lead Youth Group, how one girl soothes herself with a drooling baby and another with the company of her boyfriend. It was all so amazingly clear, and my entire life just hit me with acute detail. Even when I'm hurting the most I can help other people. Even when I'm having a revelation I can be annoyed at a sibling.

This is the key to writing. Getting the words down on paper? Easy. Simple. Mundane. Understanding and unveiling the meaning given to you in life? Slow. Agonizing. Wondrous.