Fissures in My Mind

I suppose I'm really tired, or I had some sort of revelation, or something, because I have such a will to write right now. I get that a lot, but I don't have any stories going on in my head, or novels I want to express in four or less paragraphs. I just want to vomit onto the page and read it back tomorrow, laughing at my funky thoughts and whims. Everything i write, I don't have to look back and fix, or edit, 'cause I know I'm the only who's going to really read this. Unless, by a whim, I set this note to be open to the public. But even then, not many people care enough to look over the inner working of my mind when they try and fail to explain themselves within the boundaries of a single note. I suppose if they want to get a dumbed down version of me, they could look at what other people have said about my notes. But if everyone did that, I wouldn't have any comments at all. And that would make me sort of sad.

Single file, my thoughts roll down the ramp of my fingers and into the computer, popping up as neat little lines of letter on the screen. I think I'm doing pretty well until I get three or four extremely oppressive thoughts at once, and they tumble all over the path of my hand, and then I forget where I was going in the beginning. My train of thought is then struck by a curve-ball, and I must pursue it miles along this new track before I can get myself straight again, and by then I have forgotten most if not all of what I wished to say. Unless, that is, I didn't really wish to say anything in particular, at which point my ramblings will eventually follow themselves in circle, and my reasoning and beliefs will all follow back to the same point.

What I love the best is when fifty trains of thought are running around simultaneously. I have sometimes manged to be thinking coherently about five or six things at the same time, though I must admit that this is mostly the case only after i have been babysitting two or more children. It is remarkable how a woman can train herself to multitask when necessary. Even though, it seems, the mind cannot truly focus on two things at once, I believe multitasking is merely the pursuit of getting along with more than one goal and arriving at it passably well. Or, if worst comes to worst, in a way that has barred most major catastrophe's. After all, you will still get paid and thanked for babysitting even if you managed to get the young one locked in a room by itself, so long as you manage to get them out before it hurts itself or the parent arrives.

Mind you, this is not what we should strive for in our lives. Just as you are likely to cross any or all of your personal boundaries in your life my mistake, you are likely not to completely reach all of your goal. Thus, you must give yourself some 'wiggle room', holding yourself to a higher standard but not kicking yourself about your occasional failures. One the other hand, holding yourself to be perfect is an absolute trap, because then you become so worried about your goal that you give up many other things, such as enjoyment and attachment, in order to achieve it. No human is perfect, I believe, and I very much doubt any will be able to sway my perspective, for I have seen those little specks of evil in even the most saintly of my acquaintances, and much more than a speck of it in myself.

Then there come the times when your thoughts do not move at all. Your fingers and tongue are on their own, and until you can think again you must improvise everything you do and say, often making an enormous fool out of yourself in the process. I find this happens most often when a person is thrown headfirst into a new situation, and they look around blankly while their minds try and figure out exactly how they really feel about the situation. Either that, or they understand right off the bat that they are very uncomfortable, and therefore their minds just hide away, and refuse to work until they've had the time to rid themselves of the overload of the senses they were just experiencing. Some people are very adaptable. Some accept it, but are slow to change. Some resist most indomitably. Others, like me, very much dislike change in any way, but have grudgingly accepted the it's not the end of the world, and thus adapt quite quickly.

Lastly, there are distractions. It doesn't matter how focused and smart you can be if you didn't get enough sleep, and everyone has those days. As I write this, I fight the urge to answer a friends post on one of my sites, and my muse is flying about crazily in my mind, spouting out theories and dialogue and many other essential elements of word crafting. They come in all shapes and sizes, especially when one is thinking whilst on the computer. They never end, in fact, for one has toys and books and board games and Internet and console games and friends and TV and music and many, many other things. For one so tired as I, who got a maximum of five hours of sleep last night, this is all too much for me to handle, and I am apt to launch myself in one thing for fifteen minutes before realizing I had before been halfway through one thing or another. Listening to mood music helps, but sometimes it just makes me emotional and irrationally introspective, my logic warped by lack of rest.

I suppose the aforementioned was not lastly. Lastly is when I am alone, or with a small group of friends, in a world without distractions. We are together with God, and we are listening and praising him, and feeling contented and peaceful and not at all trying to quell our thoughts for want of hearing those of our friends. I suppose I have done it a dozen times or more, but I am always truly surprised at how much worry and panic my Lord can and will take away from me when I go to him. I realize which desires of mine are from him simply because they are not snuffed out first thing. I realize where I have been thinking and acting wrong, and I do not fight myself over it. I make it a part of myself, removing the old fiber and weaving in the new, improved one. And then I realize the most important thing of all: I am not the most important. I am the least, the last, and the smallest, and I am merely there to help others when they need it. I do not seek out others so that they may faun over me, but so that I may be their support and experience their laughter. It is most important to me that I am serving others, acting as unspoken guide and support. I draw more happiness from this than from any other activity I've ever ventured to try.