Listening to music, two specific songs came one just after the other, and I just thought I should share:
Broken by Lifehouse
Wait Til You See My Smile by Alicia Keys
I don't know.... if you listen to the lyrics, it sounds almost like a question and then an answer. I've always found this specific song by Alicia keys very beautiful and uplifting, even though it isn't upbeat.
In other news, I have a picture of my puppy to show everyone. Denver, youngest of a five week old litter. Well, almost five weeks. I'm very, very excited to bring this little guy home. I mean, who needs a boyfriend when you've got a loyal, unconditional fuzzball of love?
Eh...for those of you who don't know, dogs are my first love. I am at my happiest when around a happy dog. Or a happy litter of nine puppies. :)
Renovations are going slow, but still...the chaos of the house has my brain in a scramble. I have literally written zip nonfiction for sixish weeks. I'm just journaling a whole lot and (rarely) posting here. I should try to post here more. I apologize for the long overdue post.
Hopefully the next will be sooner in coming.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Well Hello There
So I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't been posting as much recently. Well, I'll tell you why. First of all, a friend of mine is fostering a litter of nine puppies, one of which I am going to adopt. That'll be in about five weeks, but considering they live within walking distance, I want to get to know them, and they are so dang cute, they are taking up a deal of time and thought process. I mean, I could write about them up here, describing them to every single and boring detail, but it's just not the same over a blog. I might post pictures, should they decide to work on here.
Also, my sister and her husband are moving...tomorrow. My sister is freaking out. I am going to be helping out and the stress level (not mine, but it's sort of infectious) is skyrocketing. Rather, it's bouncing between absolutely relaxed and insanely intense. Ah well.
Lastly, we are going to do major renovations to our house once the sister and husband are away, and I'll be moving to a different bedroom, at which point I'll get the puppy and start training it and taking care of it. Sometimes I get little moments where I just have to write or I'm going to explode, and hopefully I'll be in a position to do that using the blog. But hey, what can I say? Real life comes first, and posts are going to be spotty the majority of the time.
Have a good one.
Also, my sister and her husband are moving...tomorrow. My sister is freaking out. I am going to be helping out and the stress level (not mine, but it's sort of infectious) is skyrocketing. Rather, it's bouncing between absolutely relaxed and insanely intense. Ah well.
Lastly, we are going to do major renovations to our house once the sister and husband are away, and I'll be moving to a different bedroom, at which point I'll get the puppy and start training it and taking care of it. Sometimes I get little moments where I just have to write or I'm going to explode, and hopefully I'll be in a position to do that using the blog. But hey, what can I say? Real life comes first, and posts are going to be spotty the majority of the time.
Have a good one.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Oh
I got an email from someone random that I don't know telling me they liked my blog. Obviously, if you look to the side, they are not a follower. Why not? Oh, they just liked the way I wrote and wrote consistently and wanted me to join this random fashion website. I looked, saw the word 'sexy' about fifty times, and passed it by.
But hey, at least I know people...read this. Sometimes. >.> Maybe I should be worried.
But hey, at least I know people...read this. Sometimes. >.> Maybe I should be worried.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Don't Think Of Anything
I ruin my vacations by wanting desperately for them to be over. I mean, what would you do if each day that passes brings you closer to getting a puppy, getting your own room, and seeing one of your best friends ever again. Well, all of them, actually. I also hate being uncomfortable. You wouldn't think it, but I don't like strange situations, places, people. It's more difficult for me than I think it is for most other people. When with relatives, that's one thing. I've known and trusted them all my life. But out here, out in Charleston, where I've already seen everything I want to see and really don't know where anything is, I just don't feel right.
Don't think of anything.
At least I'm feeling about ten times healthier, right? I mean, I can breathe (mostly) better and I'm not as physically exhausted as I was at home. Constantly. At home. And it's likely allergies set off by dirty dirty carpets and cats and plants and stuff. So I have all that to look forward to again. Feeling like I'm getting over nausea over and over and over again. And only three separating me from more of that.
Don't think of anything.
I've learned lessons, though:
1) Don't kick mushrooms on hot, humid days. They splatter.
2) If you do choose to kick mushrooms on hot, humid days, don't wear shoes with holes in them.
3) If you both kick the mushrooms and wear holey shoes, just go inside and put on a different pair. Don't desperately try to clean them in the two minutes before you leave on a very long trip.
4) No matter how hard you try, you are never going to be able to get a full nights sleep on the first night. Better just plan ahead and put yourself in a comfortable, quiet, entertaining place before you settle down for a sleepless night.
5) The door isn't jammed. It just hates you.
6) Forty bucks isn't enough for souvenirs, no matter how stingy a person you are, no matter where you go or for how long.
7) Sometimes the best days end in panic attacks. Just look over it and move on.
8) The shower doesn't only spray boiling or freezing water. It just hates you.
9) Always bring spares.
10) If you forgot the phone charger, go back and get it. Now. I don't care if you are already there. You won't survive without your cellphone. Rather, you will go insane. Because...
11) Family drives you crazy. There must be outside contact.
12) Go ahead and buy it--you /didn't/ spend 20,000$!
13) Lastly, you really can't help it. On every trip, at least one stuffed animal is going to find it's way home with you.
Also, just don't think of anything. This is your time away from reality, for better or worse. Relax.
Don't think of anything.
At least I'm feeling about ten times healthier, right? I mean, I can breathe (mostly) better and I'm not as physically exhausted as I was at home. Constantly. At home. And it's likely allergies set off by dirty dirty carpets and cats and plants and stuff. So I have all that to look forward to again. Feeling like I'm getting over nausea over and over and over again. And only three separating me from more of that.
Don't think of anything.
I've learned lessons, though:
1) Don't kick mushrooms on hot, humid days. They splatter.
2) If you do choose to kick mushrooms on hot, humid days, don't wear shoes with holes in them.
3) If you both kick the mushrooms and wear holey shoes, just go inside and put on a different pair. Don't desperately try to clean them in the two minutes before you leave on a very long trip.
4) No matter how hard you try, you are never going to be able to get a full nights sleep on the first night. Better just plan ahead and put yourself in a comfortable, quiet, entertaining place before you settle down for a sleepless night.
5) The door isn't jammed. It just hates you.
6) Forty bucks isn't enough for souvenirs, no matter how stingy a person you are, no matter where you go or for how long.
7) Sometimes the best days end in panic attacks. Just look over it and move on.
8) The shower doesn't only spray boiling or freezing water. It just hates you.
9) Always bring spares.
10) If you forgot the phone charger, go back and get it. Now. I don't care if you are already there. You won't survive without your cellphone. Rather, you will go insane. Because...
11) Family drives you crazy. There must be outside contact.
12) Go ahead and buy it--you /didn't/ spend 20,000$!
13) Lastly, you really can't help it. On every trip, at least one stuffed animal is going to find it's way home with you.
Also, just don't think of anything. This is your time away from reality, for better or worse. Relax.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Fall Down
'Break me out of my complacency, breathe your breath of life into my soul.'
I'm broken with No Regrets
Everyone, just raise your hands. Both of them, because I know you've done this more times than you can count. Y'know what? Your feet too. If you can, wiggle your ears. 'Cause I have a question for you. How many of you have knowingly done something very wrong and stupid? Raise your hands if you have. All of you? Oh.
Hello.
You can put your hands down, now. I forgive you for everything you've done. You may glare at me and say I don't have the right to claim that you need to be forgiven by me, but that's just a cover. People, in their insecurity, are desperate for someone to tell them that it doesn't matter. That there's nothing they can do to make you love them less. They want that assurance, and they want it to be real. Only then can it assuage any pain, or self-destructive hate. It really doesn't matter what you did, even if you did it to another person.
I swear, the person you are hurting the most is yourself. Because half the people out there have thick enough skins to be able to brush stuff off. The other half learn soon to surround themselves with tons of people who will help them heal. When it comes to deeper things--things that touch the soul--everyone may fall to it. But still. You do that to them, and no matter how it destroys them, they are the victim and they are going to have a plethora of helping hands to fix them. Who's gonna fix you? Who's gonna look and see the pained, dilapidated soul that would allow itself to do such a thing, and say that they feel sorry for it?
See, the thing about this is that in order to get better you have to pluck up the courage to surrender and let yourself be weak. People who have been hurt already know weakness. The first barrier was already broken down for them--by you.
You know, sometimes I want to just walk up and kiss the people who've hurt me on the cheek. I want to thank them for the many many lessons I have learned and the friends I have gained because of them. But when I do something wrong, all I want to do is kick myself or throw myself out the window. What right do I have to forgive myself, I say, Why, if I know now that it was wrong, didn't I know it then? I have no answer. Except that I am human. I am inherently evil, and I am in no way powerful enough to be good on my own.
Praise God for God. If it weren't for Him, I'd be completely and utterly in deep yogurt right now and forever, and life would be meaningless. Oh, I thank Him all the days of my life for what He's given me! I thank Him for the wonderful friends that always listen and always forgive what I've done to myself. I thank Him for one more day where I've eaten, smiled and laughed, exercised and cried. I thank Him when I'm dumb enough to eat cheese or drink milk and I don't feel any pain afterward. I thank Him when I make a fool of myself, if only because it helped make my friends laugh a little more than they would have without my company.
I thank Him when I write in my journal for giving me a gift in writing. I thank Him for my horrible memory which has driven me to use the gift of writing. I thank Him that I feel every desperate, agonizing emotion of everyone around me, and that I have a chance to understand enough to help.
So why? Why did I do what I did? Why did I look away? Why did I wander off? Why did I give Jesus reason to cry for me?
I am human, inherently evil, and in no way powerful enough to be good on my own.
Humbling, isn't it?
Liberating. I no longer have to worry, because I no longer have to try on my own. God does everything. I just have to let Him and follow. And when I choose not to, He doesn't even give me a slap on the wrist. He doesn't even look at me angrily. He cries when I cry. It's terrible, seeing Papa cry. But all I have to do to stop it is approach Him with a contrite heart and willingness to change, and He'll do the rest. He'll smile and pull me close and let me feel like the smallest, weakest, most vulnerable thing in the world, and yet completely safe.
So now you know why I don't worry. Going out in the sun without sunscreen increases my risk of cancer? Not true. If God wants me to get skin cancer, I'm gonna get it no matter how careful I am. And if He doesn't, I really don't have to worry too much about it. No, I'm not going to jump in front of a car and tell Him to save me if he wants me to fulfill his plan, but c'mon. I'm not going to let fear cripple my life. Beauty is fleeting at best and in no way key to doing what God wants. Health's much more important, but you still don't need to be in peak physical condition to be God's super-soldier.
Just don't worry. Do your best and give yourself breaks and don't worry. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' Declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 What God wants will fill you with His joy and His love. Straying from Him will only hurt you more.
God forgives you for everything you've done. Every step you've taken outside His path. And you know what? He's forgotten about it. You should, too.
Go and Sin No More
I'm broken with No Regrets
Everyone, just raise your hands. Both of them, because I know you've done this more times than you can count. Y'know what? Your feet too. If you can, wiggle your ears. 'Cause I have a question for you. How many of you have knowingly done something very wrong and stupid? Raise your hands if you have. All of you? Oh.
Hello.
You can put your hands down, now. I forgive you for everything you've done. You may glare at me and say I don't have the right to claim that you need to be forgiven by me, but that's just a cover. People, in their insecurity, are desperate for someone to tell them that it doesn't matter. That there's nothing they can do to make you love them less. They want that assurance, and they want it to be real. Only then can it assuage any pain, or self-destructive hate. It really doesn't matter what you did, even if you did it to another person.
I swear, the person you are hurting the most is yourself. Because half the people out there have thick enough skins to be able to brush stuff off. The other half learn soon to surround themselves with tons of people who will help them heal. When it comes to deeper things--things that touch the soul--everyone may fall to it. But still. You do that to them, and no matter how it destroys them, they are the victim and they are going to have a plethora of helping hands to fix them. Who's gonna fix you? Who's gonna look and see the pained, dilapidated soul that would allow itself to do such a thing, and say that they feel sorry for it?
See, the thing about this is that in order to get better you have to pluck up the courage to surrender and let yourself be weak. People who have been hurt already know weakness. The first barrier was already broken down for them--by you.
You know, sometimes I want to just walk up and kiss the people who've hurt me on the cheek. I want to thank them for the many many lessons I have learned and the friends I have gained because of them. But when I do something wrong, all I want to do is kick myself or throw myself out the window. What right do I have to forgive myself, I say, Why, if I know now that it was wrong, didn't I know it then? I have no answer. Except that I am human. I am inherently evil, and I am in no way powerful enough to be good on my own.
Praise God for God. If it weren't for Him, I'd be completely and utterly in deep yogurt right now and forever, and life would be meaningless. Oh, I thank Him all the days of my life for what He's given me! I thank Him for the wonderful friends that always listen and always forgive what I've done to myself. I thank Him for one more day where I've eaten, smiled and laughed, exercised and cried. I thank Him when I'm dumb enough to eat cheese or drink milk and I don't feel any pain afterward. I thank Him when I make a fool of myself, if only because it helped make my friends laugh a little more than they would have without my company.
I thank Him when I write in my journal for giving me a gift in writing. I thank Him for my horrible memory which has driven me to use the gift of writing. I thank Him that I feel every desperate, agonizing emotion of everyone around me, and that I have a chance to understand enough to help.
So why? Why did I do what I did? Why did I look away? Why did I wander off? Why did I give Jesus reason to cry for me?
I am human, inherently evil, and in no way powerful enough to be good on my own.
Humbling, isn't it?
Liberating. I no longer have to worry, because I no longer have to try on my own. God does everything. I just have to let Him and follow. And when I choose not to, He doesn't even give me a slap on the wrist. He doesn't even look at me angrily. He cries when I cry. It's terrible, seeing Papa cry. But all I have to do to stop it is approach Him with a contrite heart and willingness to change, and He'll do the rest. He'll smile and pull me close and let me feel like the smallest, weakest, most vulnerable thing in the world, and yet completely safe.
So now you know why I don't worry. Going out in the sun without sunscreen increases my risk of cancer? Not true. If God wants me to get skin cancer, I'm gonna get it no matter how careful I am. And if He doesn't, I really don't have to worry too much about it. No, I'm not going to jump in front of a car and tell Him to save me if he wants me to fulfill his plan, but c'mon. I'm not going to let fear cripple my life. Beauty is fleeting at best and in no way key to doing what God wants. Health's much more important, but you still don't need to be in peak physical condition to be God's super-soldier.
Just don't worry. Do your best and give yourself breaks and don't worry. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' Declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 What God wants will fill you with His joy and His love. Straying from Him will only hurt you more.
God forgives you for everything you've done. Every step you've taken outside His path. And you know what? He's forgotten about it. You should, too.
Go and Sin No More
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Wow
You know, physical health has much more of an effect on the mind than I would have thought. For instance, I have been dealing with major stomach and lung issues since I wrote the post before the previous one, and I haven't been able to concentrate enough to write anything, be it a chapter of my story or another post. The only thing I have been doing has been writing a couple pages in my journal every night, but that was more for the sake of remembering and organizing in my mind everything that's been going on than for the sake of writing.
I also realize that the above paragraph, while of good size, is only three sentences long. That's...not cool. I should be able to do better than that. Really, though, it seems I become a whole lot more long-winded when I'm as continually exhausted as I have been in recent days. I also choose on a whim to say things in very odd ways. Bah.
So yeah. Wow. This is sort of a status check-in on yours truly. I've been stressed out by several issues. Physical, mental, relational.... And I'm not sleeping very well, even though I doze off every time I lay down. So, hopefully I'll feel better soon. But until then I decided to put something up here in order to keep this particular site from dying.
I also realize that the above paragraph, while of good size, is only three sentences long. That's...not cool. I should be able to do better than that. Really, though, it seems I become a whole lot more long-winded when I'm as continually exhausted as I have been in recent days. I also choose on a whim to say things in very odd ways. Bah.
So yeah. Wow. This is sort of a status check-in on yours truly. I've been stressed out by several issues. Physical, mental, relational.... And I'm not sleeping very well, even though I doze off every time I lay down. So, hopefully I'll feel better soon. But until then I decided to put something up here in order to keep this particular site from dying.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Whisper, by A Fine Frenzy
Whisper, by A Fine Frenzy
'Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still
Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still
The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still?'
Life gets crazy sometimes, you know? I don't think I can say anything about what I feel that isn't covered in this song.
'Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still
Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still
The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still?'
Life gets crazy sometimes, you know? I don't think I can say anything about what I feel that isn't covered in this song.
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